Big Apple Christmas
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Characters:
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Gus: A Bus Driver
Frank: Gus’ best friend
Alice: Gus’ Wife
Susie: Frank’s Wife
Apple Girl: A poor young girl selling apples. She has a baby
Scene one:
A modest home. The two couples are seated about a table. Gus has a stack of money and
everyone is excited.
(Lights up)
Gus: One hundred dollars. Jackpot Alice, I hit the jackpot.
Alice: I can’t believe it Gus, one of your money-making schemes worked.
Susie: Yes and just in time, Christmas is tomorrow.
Gus: That’s why I invited you down. I want to share my good fortune with my friends. (everyone cheers) and, after all, Frank did help.
Susie: Frank helped?
Frank: That’s right I was right there. I … well I … What did I do Gus?
Gus: You stood right there (points to a spot behind where he is sitting) eating an apple and thereby gave me the idea for the story that won the contest.
Susie: I knew Frank’s big mouth would come in handy someday.
Gus: Here we go twenty-five dollars each to buy Christmas gifts. (Distributes the money to much cheers and thanks) I think we should buy just one present each. Frank you get for Susie, Susie you get for Frank, I’ll get for Alice and Alice you can get for me.
Alice: Good idea, Gus. Now, don’t keep us in suspense, read your story. Susie and I haven’t heard it and I want to hear the story that was worth one hundred dollars.
Gus: Ok, here goes: the grand prize winning true story of “my worst Christmas ever” sponsored by Knockie’s Knockwurst.
“Half an Apple, No Better No Wurst” by Gus Jones.
I am a bus driver for the city transit system. Years ago I was working my usual shift from 8 am until 4 pm. It was the day before Christmas and I was all excited about that Christmas Eve. My wife’s uncle was visiting and had brought us a package of Knockies Knockwurst as a Christmas present. We were going to have them that night. As I drove up Packer street, the home of Knockies Knockwurst, and our terminal, I spotted my supervisor, Mr. Jackson. He hailed me and I pulled over with happy visions of a Christmas bonus and my first Knockies Knockwurst dancing in my head. But my dreams were not to be that night. No Knockies Knockwurst or Christmas bonus were in store for me that cold Christmas eve, just eight more hours of driving. The evening shift driver Jim had called in sick. He probably wasn’t really sick but what the heck he had three kids and probably just wanted to spend the time with them. As I pulled back out on my next round I realized that the Knockies Knockwurst would be gone before I got home and all I had left from my lunch was half an apple. Later that evening as I ate my half apple I dreamt of the Christmas Eve and the Knockies Knockwurst that I was missing and I swore that I would never spend another Christmas Eve without Knockies Knockwurst.
I am a bus driver for the city transit system. Years ago I was working my usual shift from 8 am until 4 pm. It was the day before Christmas and I was all excited about that Christmas Eve. My wife’s uncle was visiting and had brought us a package of Knockies Knockwurst as a Christmas present. We were going to have them that night. As I drove up Packer street, the home of Knockies Knockwurst, and our terminal, I spotted my supervisor, Mr. Jackson. He hailed me and I pulled over with happy visions of a Christmas bonus and my first Knockies Knockwurst dancing in my head. But my dreams were not to be that night. No Knockies Knockwurst or Christmas bonus were in store for me that cold Christmas eve, just eight more hours of driving. The evening shift driver Jim had called in sick. He probably wasn’t really sick but what the heck he had three kids and probably just wanted to spend the time with them. As I pulled back out on my next round I realized that the Knockies Knockwurst would be gone before I got home and all I had left from my lunch was half an apple. Later that evening as I ate my half apple I dreamt of the Christmas Eve and the Knockies Knockwurst that I was missing and I swore that I would never spend another Christmas Eve without Knockies Knockwurst.
Alice: Well, that’s about the wurst story I’ve ever heard.
Frank: Don’t knock it. Knockies thought it was worth one hundred dollars.
Susie: Yea, about twenty dollars per plug.
Gus: And a free package of Knockies Knockwurst.
Alice: Gus, you don’t even like Knockwurst. And besides I don’t have an uncle that ever visited us and brought knockwurst.
Frank: Knockies Knockwurst.
Gus: Literary license. Your mother once visited and brought us a cake.
Alice: Yes and I remember how good it was smothered in sauerkraut. (everyone laughs)
Susie: Let’s get going everyone, the stores close in three hours and we’ve got shopping to do.
Gus: Right, when we get downtown we can split up you girls can go together and Frank and I will go together that way the presents will be a surprise. Oh and don’t forget to get something for our Christmas Eve dinner.
Alice: Ok, we’ll get it but I think that everyone should chip in five dollars each. (everyone ok’s and gives Alice five dollars.)
(Lights Out)
Tea Time
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The Players:
Ira A young man
Angela A middle aged woman.
Beatrice Angela's Older sister.
The Radio Show Players:
Sacromon The radio show announcer
Joan Oolong Hero of the radio show.
Barry Oolong Joan's husband.
Billy Oolong Barry and Joan’s son about 8 years old.
Virginia Oolong Barry and Joan’ daughter about 18 years old
Jack Green Joan and Barry's neighbor.
Alice Green Joan and Barry's neighbor.
Waldo Green Jack and Alice’s son about 8 years old.
Mr. Pleasant The milk man.
Prof. Peirson Space expert from the university
Sound Man The sound man for the radio show
Note: The radio show’s actors will play more than one of the characters. They also do not, nor should they, look like the characters that they are portraying. The sound man will make some of the sound effects and some can come from the theater’s soundman. But at least some of them should be done on stage and the rest simulated on stage.
Scene one:
A vary bare living room. There is one old chair a sofa, a small coffee table and a small side table with a radio. An old lady is sitting in the chair reading.
(Lights up)
Angela: Tea time Bea.
(Enters stage right carrying a tray with crackers, a teapot, three cups and saucers and one sandwich.)
Beatrice: Is it time already.
(Closes book that she had been reading. Gone With The Wind)
This is a good story but I just cannot believe how a woman could let such a good man get away. I think that I'll write her a letter and tell her how foolish she is.
Angela: Oh! Bea you are so kind hearted and wise. I'm sure that she will listen to you, after all almost everyone in Crystal Springs does.
(Ira enters stage right)
Ira: Good afternoon aunt Beatrice, aunt Angela.
Angela and Beatrice together: Good afternoon Ira.
Beatrice: How was your morning dear?
Ira: Oh, fine I guess. I made 17 deliveries. I think that’s a record. Mr. Wexler was sure pleased.
Angela: That’s wonderful dear. Are you hungry? It’s almost tea time.
Ira: I sure am.
Beatrice: Oh, the time.
(Beatrice reaches over and turns on the radio. There is theme music playing. To stage right is the radio studio. The actors there are in the dark. The audience should not be able to see them clearly.)
Announcer: Good afternoon ladies.
Beatrice and Angela: Good afternoon.
Announcer: Welcome to Tea Time.
Sound: (Theme Music)
Beatrice: Isn't it wonderful how he knows just what we are doing.
Angela: Yes, it's nice to know a man who pays attention to you.
(Angela is pouring tea and serving crackers to herself and Beatrice and the one sandwich to Ira.)
Announcer: The International Tea Company once again welcomes you to Crystal Springs and the home of Joan and Barry Oolong. Let's see what's happening at 2323 Kensington Street this afternoon.
(The girls lean closer to the radio)
Sound: (More theme music that fades as Joan begins to speak)
Joan: There you are Mr. Pleasant, I've included a little extra as usual.
Mr. Pleasant: (With a very gentle, pleasant voice) Thank you Mrs. Oolong that's most thoughtful of you. Do you know that starting next week I’ll be carrying eggs? Should I bring a dozen along with the usual order: one quart of milk on Monday and Thursday, butter on Wednesday and Cheddar cheese on Friday?
Sound: (A grr’ing sound)
Joan: No, no eggs and you had better make that Margarine on Wednesday and cottage cheese on Friday, Barry's starting to gain a little and I want to keep him slim and trim. Oh, and I’ll need some sour cream for baked potatoes tonight.
Mr. Pleasant: Ok, Mrs. Oolong I’ll just run out to the truck and get that for you.
Beatrice: Barry has been gaining a little lately.
Angela: Joan needs some support we should write her a letter.
Beatrice: Just as soon as tea time is over.
Angela: Isn’t it wonderful that Mr. Pleasant took your advice and is carrying eggs now.
Beatrice: He’ll make a lot of money.
Waldo: Why should you give up Cheddar cheese Mrs. 'O'? You still have your schoolgirl figure. I could eat Mr. O’s share of the cheddar.
All Radio Actors: (Lean away from the microphone) Short laugh
Joan: Thank you Waldo.
Barry: Waldo Green, you do not eat at this house, I couldn't afford you. Heaven only knows how your father does. And Joan as far as my shape is concerned I'll let you know that I don't weigh one ounce more now than I did when I quarterbacked the Flying Road Hens to victory in college.
Waldo: Well then, I guess your backfield has shifted Mr. ‘O’.
All Radio Actors: (Lean away from the microphone) Big laugh
Waldo & Billy: Ha, ha, ha
Joan: Speaking of motion, shouldn't you be on your way. You'll be late for work.
Barry: Yes dear.
Joan: Waldo and Billy, didn't I hear the school bell five minutes ago? Off to school with the both of you.
Billy: Yes mom.
Joan: You too young lady. Off you go Virginia.
Virginia: Yes mom. I’ll be a little late coming home from school today.
Joan: Studying with Jim again?
Virginia: No mom. I broke up with him last week.
Waldo: She’s studying Bill Blasky now.
Virginia: No I broke up with him yesterday. I will be studying with the first string quarterback, John Carsetti.
Waldo: In that case everyone, signals set hut, hut, hut.
Barry: Have a good day dear; see you tonight.
Joan: See you tonight and don’t forget to stop and get some Halloween candy like you promised.
Sound: A grr’ing sound
Barry: Yes dear.
Joan: And I better not find an open bag.
Waldo: Speaking of food, what's for supper tonight?
Barry: None of your business, I told you, you don't eat here, Waldo.
Waldo: I know, but I just wanted to hear that neat sound again
Barry: What sound?
Waldo: The one that your stomach makes every time someone mentions food.
All Radio Actors: (Lean away from the microphone) Short laugh
Barry: My stomach does not make any sounds, young man. Perhaps you are hearing the chipmunks outside. ….ah what is for super tonight Joan?
Joan: Pork chops and baked potatoes.
Sound: (A grrrr’ing sound)
Billy: Wow, those chipmunks are really hungry.
All Radio Actors: (Lean away from the microphone) Big laugh
Barry: Get out of here. See you tonight.
Billy: Hey Waldo let’s…..
(There is static and the radio begins to fade.)
Beatrice: Oh, This radio.
(Beatrice strikes the side of the radio several times.)
Father John’s Boxers
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Scene Two
(The Camelli kitchen. Fr. John is having tea with a young, somewhat over made up girl. He is holding a cassock. There are children playing in the room. A young girl is dancing using a boa and the boy is pretending to drink shots from a shot glass.)
(Lights up)
Fr. John: You did a very professional job Susan.
Susan: Thank you Father. I’m sure glad I talked to you. Ever since people found out that I was doing sewing for you I’ve been getting lots of jobs.
Fr. John: I’m glad I could help.
Susan: It means a lot to me. I guess I wasn’t meant to be in show business. They love me in the clubs, my dancing that is …
Joe Jr: Vaa, vaa, vooom
Susan: (Glares at Joe Jr.)… I just can’t seem to get a serious acting job. My acting coach Josh says that it’s because of my speech problem.
Susan Jr: Yesssss (Imitates her mother’s lisp)
Fr. John: Your speech problem, what problem is that Susan?
Susan: Josh says that I just don’t project. (Glares at Susan Jr.)
Anyway with my new business at least I can stay close to the kids and keep them away from the club, you know.
Fr. John: Yes Susan I know and it’s nice seeing you back in church. Maybe you could talk to that husband of yours.
Susan: Talk to Joe…Oh!
(She spills her tea on Father John’s lap)
Susan: Oh no! I’ve spilled my tea all over you. Let me get it.
(She tries to mop up the spill then realizes what she is doing and steps back embarrassed)
Fr. John: That’s ok Susan it will be all right.
Susan: No, I insist. I will wash your pants right now. Take them off. You can use the back room. Here put your cassock on. You can have another cup of tea it will just take me a few minutes.
Fr. John: I don’t really have the time right now. I have a meeting with the Bishop in half an hour.
Susan: Well you were going to wear your cassock to see the Bishop weren’t you. Just change in Joe’s room. You can borrow a pair of Joe’s shorts. Just leave your pants and I’ll clean yours and bring them over to the rectory later.
Fr. John: OK I don’t have time to fight with you.
(Father John exits stage left. The Phone rings and Susan answers it.)
Susan: (Remember that Susan has a lisp and has trouble pronouncing the ‘S’ sound.) Hello. Yes, this is Susan’s Seamstress and Styling Salon… Sure certainly I can. Six sheer slips? Do you want silk or satin? …Either ok. What kind of style are you looking for sophisticated or sexy? …Ok sophisticated. And what color did you have in mind? …Salmon ok. I have some nice blue ribbon that would make real nice straps. ..No you’d prefer plain spaghetti straps. Ok. Anything else? …Well I have some nice silver sequins that would look nice. Ok, on all six? Yes I think that will look real nice. When do you need them? …Sunday the second, sure I can have them ready by then. Where can I send them? Uh hah, Sylvia Saperstein c/o the Sunset Social Society 77 South Salsoledo Street.
Ok. Let me see if I have this correct. (Said very quickly.) You want Susan’s Seamstress and Styling to make six sheer silk or satin slips, sophisticated not sexy in salmon with spaghetti straps and silver sequins on all six slips by Sunday the second for Sylvia Saperstein c/o the Sunset Social Society 77 South Salsoledo Street.
(Susan hangs up the phone as Father John returns wearing the cassock and carrying his pants and a pair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them.)
Fr. John: Sounds like a spectacular sale.
Susan: Yesssss
Fr. John: Here’s my pants and …ah…my ah my ah.
Susan: Yes, your hearts, (His undershorts have hearts on them.) I’ll clean them both and have them too you by tonight.
Fr. John: No hurry, just bring them with you on Sunday. But bring them to the rectory don’t throw them in the collection plate.
(They both laugh and Father John exits)